Unlike the other titles we’ve been covering, Coming Together / Coming Apart isn’t written specifically for polyamory. First published in the 1980s and revised later, it’s a classic relationship psychology text that explores the full life cycle of intimate connections: how they begin, evolve, and sometimes end. Poly folks have adopted it as a kind of universal lens for understanding transitions.

What It’s About

Kingma structures the book around the stages of a relationship, from the intoxicating early days of infatuation, through growth and deepening intimacy, into the sometimes turbulent middle stages, and ultimately the possibility of dissolution.

She pays special attention to:

• The natural cycles of love. Relationships aren’t static; they’re alive, with seasons of flourishing and decline.
• Coming together. How attraction, projection, and hope spark connections.
• Coming apart. How disillusionment, unmet needs, and mismatched growth trajectories can lead to rupture.
• Emotional honesty. Encouraging readers to face transitions not as failures, but as natural evolutions.

Strengths

• Timeless framing. Even though it predates the poly canon, its insights about how relationships form and dissolve feel strikingly relevant.
• Compassionate tone. Kingma writes like a wise aunt who has seen it all and still believes in love.
• Big-picture usefulness. For polyamorous readers, it normalises the reality that not every relationship is meant to last forever — and that endings can be part of the growth.

Weaknesses

• Not poly-specific. There’s no direct discussion of polycules, metamours, or open dynamics. Readers have to translate the insights themselves.
• Dated language. Written in the 80s, some examples and cultural assumptions feel old-fashioned.
• Light on practical tools. It’s more reflective than instructional.

Why It Still Matters

Polyamory often grapples with the myth of permanence: that every partner must be kept forever, otherwise the relationship “failed.” Kingma’s book gently challenges that idea. By framing both connection and separation as natural parts of relational life, it gives poly readers permission to see breakups not as proof that ENM doesn’t work, but as a continuation of the journey.

It’s not the book you’d hand to someone brand new to poly, but for anyone deep in the work of navigating evolving dynamics, it offers perspective that’s both grounding and liberating.

Related reading

These pieces continue the same thread around books and resource reviews.

• The Polyamory Breakup Book – Kathy Labriola
• Love in Abundance – Kathy Labriola
• Polysecure – Jessica Fern