Undoing Harm (2021) is not your breezy “how-to” guide. Written by Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi, it’s an exploration of what happens when things go wrong in relationships and communities — when harm is caused, when trust is broken, when consent is violated. It takes on the hardest question in ENM, kink, and activist spaces: how do we repair harm without defaulting to punishment or denial?

What It’s About

The book draws from psychology, queer theory, and activist traditions to explore harm and repair at multiple levels — personal, relational, and systemic. It challenges the simplistic binary of “good people vs bad people” and instead asks readers to hold complexity: we can cause harm, be harmed, and still be capable of growth.

Core themes include:

• The reality of harm. Not just egregious violations, but the everyday ruptures of miscommunication, neglect, and unmet expectations.
• Accountability. Moving past guilt and shame into meaningful responsibility.
• Repair. How to approach apologies, amends, and rebuilding trust.
• Systemic context. How power, privilege, and oppression shape who is believed, who is blamed, and who gets a second chance.

Strengths

• Deeply nuanced. Barker and Iantaffi refuse easy answers, which makes the book feel honest and rigorous.
• Wide lens. It links personal relationships to cultural systems, showing how harm is never just “between two people.”
• Practical reflection. Exercises and reflective prompts help readers apply the concepts to their own dynamics.

Weaknesses

• Heavy and academic. This isn’t a light read; it’s dense, theory-rich, and emotionally demanding.
• Not step-by-step. Readers looking for quick scripts or “what to say when” guides may feel frustrated.
• Confronting. It asks readers to face their own capacity for harm, which can be uncomfortable and even triggering.

Why It Still Matters

Poly and kink communities often pride themselves on consent culture — but what happens when someone violates that culture? Undoing Harm provides a framework for moving beyond cancellation or minimisation. It’s about doing the hard, messy work of repair, accountability, and systemic change.

For anyone in ENM who has witnessed or lived through community fallout around harm, this book is sobering but invaluable. It insists that consent culture isn’t just about getting agreement in the moment — it’s about what we do afterwards, when harm inevitably happens.

Related reading

These pieces continue the same thread around books and resource reviews.

• We Do This ’Til We Free Us – Mariame Kaba
• The Art of Receiving and Giving – Betty Martin with Robyn Dalzen
• Boundaries and Consent – Erica Scott