Mariame Kaba’s We Do This ’Til We Free Us (2021) isn’t a book about polyamory or relationships in the conventional sense — it’s about abolition, transformative justice, and community accountability. So why does it show up in ENM reading lists? Because the lessons of accountability, repair, and collective care are directly relevant to how consent and harm are handled in poly and kink communities.

What It’s About

The book is a collection of essays, interviews, and speeches where Kaba unpacks what it means to build a world without prisons, punishment, or police. Instead of punitive models, she argues for transformative justice — approaches that address harm by centring healing, accountability, and structural change.

Core themes include:

• Accountability without punishment. How do we respond to harm in ways that prevent further violence rather than reproduce it?
• Community care. Liberation isn’t an individual project — it’s a collective one.
• Hope as practice. Kaba frames abolition not as naive optimism, but as disciplined, daily work rooted in imagination.

Though written about systemic oppression, the insights translate powerfully to ENM: how do we handle consent violations, betrayal, or community harm without resorting to exile or silence?

Strengths

• Expansive vision. It challenges readers to think beyond personal conflict toward structural dynamics of power and harm.
• Practical inspiration. While philosophical, it includes stories of communities actually practicing transformative justice.
• Cross-pollination. It enriches poly and kink spaces by reminding us that consent and repair aren’t just individual practices, but community ones.

Weaknesses

• Not a relationship manual. It doesn’t give scripts for poly fights; readers need to do the translation work.
• Dense in spots. The essays are political and sometimes academic in tone.
• Radical framework. For readers looking for simple tools, the abolitionist perspective may feel overwhelming or unrelated at first glance.

Why It Still Matters

Polyamory and kink communities often struggle with what to do when harm occurs. Do we ban people? Call them out publicly? Attempt mediation? Kaba’s work widens the frame: instead of replicating carceral logics, how do we practice accountability that heals rather than destroys?

For ENM folks serious about building not just personal relationships but resilient, ethical communities, We Do This ’Til We Free Us is essential reading. It reminds us that the way we handle harm in our microcosms is inseparable from the broader systems we live in.