First published in 2013 (and updated in later editions), Rewriting the Rules isn’t strictly about polyamory — it’s about the invisible rules that shape all our relationships. Barker, a psychologist and queer theorist, argues that most of us live by default scripts about love, sex, gender, and commitment without ever realising we agreed to them. The book is an invitation to notice those rules, question them, and rewrite them in ways that actually fit who we are.

What It’s About

Barker breaks down common relational “rules” and shows how they restrict our choices. These include:

• Rules about love. The soulmate myth, “happily ever after,” and compulsory coupledom.
• Rules about sex. Who should initiate, how often it should happen, and what counts as “real” sex.
• Rules about gender. Expectations of masculinity, femininity, and heteronormative roles.
• Rules about monogamy. The assumption that exclusivity is the default or the only valid option.
• Rules about breakups. The idea that ending a relationship means it “failed.”

Instead of prescribing new rules, Barker offers reflective exercises, questions, and examples to help readers experiment with alternatives.

Strengths

• Wide relevance. Works for poly, mono, queer, straight, kinky — anyone who wants to rethink relationships.
• Empowering. Encourages self-reflection rather than giving one-size-fits-all answers.
• Gentle tone. Barker writes with warmth and curiosity, never preachiness.

Weaknesses

• Light on specifics. Compared to ENM-focused guides, it doesn’t provide much in the way of logistics or scripts.
• Can feel abstract. Some readers may crave more concrete “how-tos.”
• Less direct on poly. While it supports non-monogamy, it’s not a dedicated ENM manual.

Why It Still Matters

So much of the struggle in polyamory comes from the fact that we’re operating outside the cultural script — and most of us don’t realise just how many scripts we’ve internalised until they start breaking down. Rewriting the Rules gives people permission to step back and ask: what do I want? What do we want? And how do we design it on our own terms?

For polyamorous folks, it’s less a nuts-and-bolts manual and more a compass. It reminds us that we’re not just managing multiple relationships; we’re creating new relational worlds.