Key takeaways

• The nervous system, not willpower, drives reactions in moments of stress and intimacy.
• Safety and connection are physiological states before they are choices.
• Understanding autonomic responses supports compassion and repair.
• Regulation skills can be learned and practiced.

We do not choose our responses; we discover them and learn to work with them.

Polyvagal Theory in Therapy is Deb Dana’s practical application of Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, written primarily for clinicians but increasingly embraced by people working on relationships, trauma, and emotional regulation. The book explains how the autonomic nervous system organizes our responses to safety and threat.

What this book is about

Dana translates complex neuroscience into usable concepts, showing how states of connection, fight-or-flight, and shutdown influence behavior. Rather than labeling reactions as personal failures, the book frames them as adaptive nervous system responses shaped by history and context.

• Autonomic states. Ventral vagal, sympathetic activation, and dorsal vagal shutdown.
• Neuroception. How the nervous system detects safety or danger without conscious awareness.
• Regulation tools. Practices for returning to connection and calm.
• Mapping patterns. Identifying triggers and pathways to regulation.

Why this matters for relationships and nonmonogamy

In complex relationship systems, intense emotions often arise faster than language. Polyvagal Theory offers an explanation for why reassurance, tone, timing, and presence matter as much as words. It helps partners understand that dysregulation is not a character flaw, but a state that can be supported back toward safety.

Strengths

• Trauma-informed. Centers safety and compassion.
• Practically useful. Offers tools that translate beyond therapy rooms.
• De-shaming. Reframes reactivity as physiology rather than failure.

Limitations

• Clinically oriented. Some sections assume familiarity with therapeutic contexts.
• Concept-heavy. Readers may need time to integrate the model.

Why it still matters

Many relationship conflicts persist because people try to reason with nervous systems that feel unsafe. Polyvagal Theory in Therapy shifts the focus from fixing behavior to creating conditions where connection is possible again. For readers interested in attachment, jealousy, and repair, this book provides a powerful missing layer.

Related reading

• Wired for Love – Stan Tatkin
• Hold Me Tight – Sue Johnson