The Power of Words

Language is never neutral. The words we choose — and the words others put on us — carry weight. In kink, in polyamory, and in community spaces, language is often the first tool of power.

Think about it: the moment someone calls you a submissive, a bull, a secondary, or even a kinkster, they are situating you within a framework of meaning. Sometimes that framework is chosen with pride. Sometimes it’s imposed without consent.

The question isn’t just “what do you call yourself?” but “who gets to decide?”

Labels as Liberation

For many, labels can be liberating. Calling yourself polyamorous might feel like claiming an identity that connects you to a global community. Embracing Dominant or switch can clarify your desires and make negotiation easier.

Labels provide shorthand, a way to signal belonging and build shared understanding. They can affirm identities that the wider world erases — queer, kinky, non-monogamous, trans — giving language to truths that otherwise go unnamed.

When chosen freely, labels are power.

Labels as Policing

But labels can also be used as weapons. Communities often fall into debates over who is “real” or “authentic”:

• You can’t call yourself poly if you practice hierarchy.
• You’re not really a submissive if you don’t give up everything.
• A bull has to act this way or they don’t count.

This kind of policing does more than divide. It reinforces power hierarchies by allowing certain voices — often the loudest or most entrenched — to control definitions. When language becomes gatekeeping, it stops being a tool of connection and becomes a tool of exclusion.

The Subtle Ways Power Shows Up in Language

Language carries unspoken power dynamics. Consider:

• Primary vs. secondary: Suggests a ranking system, even if relationships feel equal.
• Real vs. fake kinksters: Sets up a hierarchy of authenticity.
• Owner/slave language: Can affirm chosen dynamics, but outside those contexts, risks replicating oppressive histories.
• Community jargon: Acronyms, slang, and insider terms can create belonging for some but alienate newcomers.

Each word carries connotations beyond its literal meaning. When leaders, Dominants, or influencers control these words, they shape the boundaries of belonging.

Reclaiming Language for Connection

We can’t escape labels — but we can reclaim them. Some strategies include:

• Self-definition first: Claim the words that feel authentic to you, regardless of whether they “fit” community norms.
• Contextual honesty: Acknowledge that your labels might mean something different to someone else. Define them in your own terms.
• Flexibility: Allow your language to evolve. You don’t have to hold one label forever.
• Challenge gatekeeping: When you hear someone police language, ask: Who benefits from this definition? Who is being excluded?

The more we allow multiplicity in language, the less power any one definition has to dominate.

A Reflection for Leaders and Guides

If you are a party host, a mentor, or someone others look to for guidance, the way you use language carries amplified power. When you insist on rigid definitions, you risk silencing voices that don’t fit your framework. When you invite multiplicity, you expand what’s possible.

The ethical responsibility is not to define people for them but to create space for people to define themselves.

A Final Thought

Language is power — but power is not fixed. Labels can be cages or keys, depending on how they’re used.

The real question is not what words we use, but who controls them. When we allow people to self-define, when we resist identity policing, and when we remember that words are tools rather than weapons, language becomes what it was always meant to be: a bridge, not a barrier.

The power of language should not be to decide who belongs, but to help us understand each other better.