When Those Who Lack Emotional Intelligence Try to Control Those Who Have It

We’ve all encountered them—the person who insists they understand everything about emotional intelligence while demonstrating none of it. The self-proclaimed expert who tells you how to fix your flaws, seemingly oblivious to their own. The individual who thrives on control, yet doesn’t seem to grasp the impact of their own words and actions.

At the heart of this paradox is the Dunning-Kruger effect, a psychological phenomenon where people with low ability in a particular area overestimate their competence. Combine this with narcissistic tendencies, and you often find emotionally unintelligent individuals giving advice on emotional intelligence—while completely unaware of how they come across.

This isn’t about calling out or ridiculing people. This is about understanding. Why do some people lack self-awareness? Why do those who struggle with empathy often seek control? And perhaps most importantly, how can we navigate interactions with people who think they are emotionally skilled, but clearly are not?

The Dunning-Kruger Effect: Why Some People Think They Know More Than They Do

First coined by psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger in 1999, the Dunning-Kruger effect describes how people with low ability in a specific area tend to overestimate their expertise.

This happens because they lack the necessary awareness to recognize their own deficiencies. In other words, if someone is bad at reading emotions or navigating relationships, they also lack the insight to realize they’re bad at it.

• They misinterpret emotional intelligence as “being right.”
• They confuse dominance with leadership.
• They assume confidence equals competence.
• They reject feedback because they “already understand.”

This effect isn’t limited to emotional intelligence—it applies to any skill. But when it happens in interpersonal relationships, it can create an ironic (and frustrating) dynamic: the least emotionally aware people often think they are the best at navigating emotions.

Narcissism and the Need to Control

Not everyone who overestimates their abilities is a narcissist. But narcissistic traits often amplify the Dunning-Kruger effect in interpersonal dynamics.

A narcissist craves control—they need to shape narratives, dictate relationships, and position themselves as superior. And what better way to do that than by acting as the “expert” in emotional intelligence, relationships, or power dynamics?

• They don’t reflect—they project.
• They correct others, but resist self-correction.
• They dictate emotional rules, but don’t follow them.
• They view emotions as tools for manipulation, rather than genuine experiences.

This is where things get interesting in power dynamics, especially in BDSM or hierarchical relationship structures.

Power and the Irony of Control

In kink and BDSM spaces, power exchange is consensual—someone gives control, someone takes it. But in the wider world, some people seek control not because they are emotionally intelligent, but because they lack social competence in other areas.

The “Dom Complex” and Its Misuse

There’s a big difference between a skilled, emotionally intelligent Dominant and a controlling person who uses power to mask insecurity.

A true Dom/Domme:

• ✅ Listens more than they speak
• ✅ Understands emotional dynamics
• ✅ Respects boundaries and checks in with partners
• ✅ Knows their authority comes from consent, not coercion

A controlling, emotionally inept Dom/Domme:

• 🚨 Tries to dictate emotions, rather than navigate them
• 🚨 Uses power as a replacement for social skills
• 🚨 Doesn’t handle criticism well
• 🚨 Mistakes obedience for connection

The latter often confuses control with respect—believing that if people follow their rules, they are emotionally skilled. But true emotional intelligence isn’t about dominance—it’s about awareness.

Emotional Intelligence Isn’t Just About “Feeling”—It’s About Understanding

A common mistake low-EQ people make is thinking emotional intelligence is about having emotions, rather than understanding them.

Emotional intelligence is about:

• Recognizing emotions in yourself and others
• Managing emotions appropriately
• Navigating social complexities with awareness
• Understanding how your words and actions impact others

It is NOT about:

• Justifying your actions based on feelings alone
• Assuming emotions are “facts” without questioning them
• Using emotions as weapons or tools of control

Many people who struggle with EQ believe they are emotionally intelligent because they feel things deeply. But feeling deeply doesn’t mean you communicate effectively or understand others.

And yet, these same people often find themselves in positions where they offer advice, lead conversations, or critique others—completely unaware that they lack the skills to do so.

How to Navigate These Interactions Without Losing Your Mind

Dealing with someone who thinks they are emotionally skilled but clearly is not can be frustrating. So what can you do?

1. Recognize Their Limitations

Not everyone can see their own blind spots. Instead of expecting self-awareness, accept that they may not have it.

2. Avoid Power Struggles

Correcting them directly often leads to defensiveness. If someone has a fragile ego, they will double down rather than admit they don’t know something.

3. Protect Your Own Energy

You don’t have to educate someone who isn’t willing to learn. If their behavior is draining you, set boundaries and disengage when needed.

4. Lead by Example

If you want to demonstrate emotional intelligence, do it through action, not explanation. Show what self-awareness looks like rather than explaining why they lack it.

5. Be Mindful of Who You Trust for Advice

Just because someone acts like an authority doesn’t mean they are one. Be selective about whose insights you take to heart.

Final Thought: Awareness is Everything

The Dunning-Kruger effect ensures that some people will always think they are better at something than they are. Narcissistic tendencies drive the need to be seen as an authority—especially in social and power dynamics.

But you don’t have to engage in their narrative. Recognizing the patterns, choosing your responses wisely, and keeping your own emotional integrity intact is the best way to handle these interactions.

The truth is, emotionally intelligent people don’t need to prove they are emotionally intelligent. The moment someone has to insist on their expertise, they’ve already lost the argument.

Deeper Reflection: Ask Yourself

• Have you ever encountered someone who thought they had high emotional intelligence but clearly didn’t?
• How do you handle situations where someone gives bad advice with confidence?
• Have you ever been wrong about your own skills in an area? How did you handle realizing it?
• Do you ever seek control in situations where you feel insecure?
• What are ways to improve self-awareness in yourself and others?

Final Note:

If you see yourself in any of this—that’s a good thing. The difference between those who grow and those who stay stagnant is the ability to recognize and adjust. The irony is, those who need this message the most will likely never believe it applies to them.