Dedicated to N&H, whose Year of Queer Literature reading project inspired this review series celebrating stories of queer love, resilience, and reflection.

This Is How It Always Is (2017) by Laurie Frankel is a luminous, tender novel about family, transition, and truth-telling. It follows Rosie and Penn, parents of five, as their youngest child—born Claude—begins to express a different truth: she wants to be Poppy. The family’s journey becomes a portrait of love and learning, of how openness and fear coexist in the same breath.

Frankel, herself the mother of a trans child, writes with empathy rather than agenda. Her storytelling avoids politics in favor of the deeply personal, exploring what it means to parent through uncertainty while protecting a child’s joy.

What it’s about

Rosie, a doctor, and Penn, a storyteller, have built a loud, loving household where individuality thrives. But when Poppy’s identity begins to diverge from expectations, the family confronts questions about privacy, safety, and community. The story moves from small-town Wisconsin to progressive Seattle to faraway Thailand, mirroring the family’s evolving understanding of gender and love.

If you were moved by Detransition, Baby or My Government Means to Kill Me, Frankel’s novel offers a familial lens—less about romance, more about the lifelong work of care. For those navigating conversations about identity or disclosure, visit our Transparency & Disclosure hub.

Major themes

Parenting as evolving practice

Frankel portrays parenting not as a fixed role but a continual act of translation. Rosie and Penn make mistakes, double back, and try again. Their learning process echoes our own collective cultural growing pains around gender.

Truth, privacy, and protection

The novel beautifully explores who gets to tell a story and when. It’s about the tension between safety and authenticity—between shielding a child from harm and affirming their truth. For related essays, see Ethical Privacy: What to Share & What to Keep and The Cost of Secrecy.

Change as constancy

The title itself becomes a mantra: life doesn’t settle into clarity; it evolves. This realism grounds the novel’s optimism—it’s not about certainty, but endurance.

Strengths

• Empathy and nuance: Frankel writes from experience without turning the book into a manifesto.
• Warm ensemble cast: Each family member has dimension, humor, and agency.
• Emotional accessibility: The novel bridges audiences—perfect for parents, allies, and anyone exploring identity with compassion.

Where it may not work for everyone

• Idealized tone: The family’s acceptance can feel aspirational rather than universal.
• Plot detours: The Thailand section, while symbolic, slows pacing for some readers.
• Subtle politics: Readers expecting direct activism may find it understated.

Why it matters now

This Is How It Always Is feels revolutionary in its ordinariness—a story about love that doesn’t sensationalize transition. It invites us to imagine what healthy adaptation looks like, not just for one child but for an entire family system. For reflections on resilience and communication through change, see The Thin Line Between Listening and Responding and Why We Avoid Conflict.

“Always is always changing.”

Conversation prompts

• What does ‘support’ mean in the context of someone else’s transformation?
• Where is the line between protection and control?
• How do family stories evolve when one member’s truth changes the script?
• What can chosen family teach biological family about love?

Adjacent reads & reflections

• For deeper psychological grounding: Polywise.
• For more family-centered queer storytelling: The Heart’s Invisible Furies.
• For relational repair and openness: Detransition, Baby.

Closing reflection

Frankel’s novel glows with gentleness. It suggests that the heart’s truest instinct is not to label but to listen. This Is How It Always Is doesn’t pretend parenting—or identity—is easy. Instead, it argues that compassion, curiosity, and courage are what make family possible, no matter who or how we are.