What we mean by DADT

In non-monogamy, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell describes an arrangement where one or both partners avoid sharing information about outside relationships. In practice it ranges from light privacy to full secrecy. Ethical privacy respects each person’s autonomy while keeping superfluous details out of the shared space. Secrecy removes meaningful knowledge that a partner would reasonably need to give informed consent.

A rule of thumb is simple, consent requires awareness. If someone is making relationship choices in the dark, consent has been replaced by management.

Why people choose DADT

• To reduce jealousy or overwhelm when skills for emotional regulation are still developing
• To avoid conflict inside a relationship that is not yet aligned with ENM values
• To preserve a fantasy that nothing is really changing
• To prevent an explosive reaction from a partner who opposes ENM

These motives are understandable. They are also fragile. Avoidance gives temporary calm while it compounds risk, resentment and rupture.

Harms you can predict

• Informed consent collapses. A partner cannot consent to risks or boundaries they do not know exist.
• Responsibility shifts to the secret holder. You carry the emotional load for everyone.
• Metamour impact. The unseen partner becomes structurally dehumanised, which increases the chance of harm and messy endings.
• Community effects. Secrecy makes event introductions, safety conversations and support systems impossible.

Red flags that signal secrecy, not privacy

• Panic before a community event or chance meeting
• Strict rules about devices, message deletion, or untraceable logistics
• Vague or changing stories about relationship status at home
• No clear disclosure plan, only delays and promises
• You are asked to collude, for example, pretending you are a colleague or a friend of a friend

A personal boundary, illustrated

I once dated someone who was new to the community. We were together for almost a year, meeting several times each week. She never told her husband. When a community event came up where I would meet him, panic arrived because nothing had been shared at home. That moment made the pattern impossible to ignore. It was incompatible with how I date, and with my belief that consent requires awareness. This paired with a few other red flags is why I ended it. He still does not know that we were in love. I am not sharing this to shame her, only to name why secrecy harms everyone it touches, including the person keeping the secret. This again go to why I’ll never be a Starter Boyfriend again.

Ethical alternatives to secrecy

• Name the value. I only date in contexts where partners are aware in principle.
• Set a disclosure timeline. For example, awareness in principle within two to four weeks, first name and basic facts before any community overlap.
• Use ethical privacy. You do not owe erotic detail to a partner, you do owe accurate headlines that allow them to consent.
• Agree on event protocols. If paths will cross at a party, plan introductions and what is shared.
• Regular reviews. Put disclosure on the agenda, not the back burner.

If disclosure is unsafe because of abuse

Sometimes secrecy is a survival strategy. If there is credible risk of harm, support safety first. That can include pausing dating, safety planning with a professional, and choosing contexts that do not increase danger. This is not ordinary DADT, it is harm reduction. Treat it with care.

Scripts you can use

• I do not date as someone’s secret. Awareness in principle is required, details can remain private.
• I am happy to move slowly, I am not willing to collude in deception.
• If disclosure feels impossible, let us pause and reassess with support, rather than escalate secrecy.
• Before a shared event, let us agree what the home partner knows so no one is ambushed.

For newcomers to ENM

If your relationship cannot support honest disclosure yet, you may not be ready to date other people. There is no shame in taking time to learn skills for communication and emotional regulation before inviting more hearts into the room.

Closing reflection

Privacy can protect tenderness. Secrecy corrodes it. If your calm relies on someone else disappearing, that calm is borrowed and it will come due. Choose the kind of courage that keeps everybody human, including you.