Friendship, Power, and the Invisible Scales of Play

Friendship is often the glue that binds our communities together. In play spaces — whether they are dungeons, play parties, or casual gatherings — relationships are not just about who you scene with, but also who you trust, laugh with, and lean on. Yet the intimacy of these friendships can quickly become complicated when power and leadership roles are involved.

When a Dungeon Monitor, guardian, host, or organizer develops close friendships within the community, it can unintentionally tilt the scales. Who gets first access to equipment? Whose concerns are taken more seriously? Who is quietly excused for behavior that others would be called out on? These small moments can ripple outward, shaping who feels safe, who feels silenced, and who chooses not to return.

Friendship itself is not unethical. But favoritism — when closeness dictates fairness — can corrode trust in even the healthiest communities.

When Friendship Becomes Favoritism

Favoritism often doesn’t announce itself. It shows up in small, seemingly benign acts:

• Saving a spot on the calendar for a friend’s scene when slots are limited.
• Overlooking a rule breach because “they meant no harm.”
• Giving more access to influence, resources, or information to people you already like.

From the inside, these may feel like natural choices — after all, who doesn’t want to support their friends? But to others on the outside, it can look like nepotism. When patterns repeat, cliques form. And cliques, by nature, divide.

Favoritism isn’t always intentional, but its effects are real. The message it sends is simple: belonging depends on who you know, not how you show up.

The Hidden Costs of Bias

The harm of favoritism isn’t just about a single person getting a “yes” when others get a “no.” It’s about trust. Communities thrive when rules feel consistent and leadership feels fair. When that consistency breaks down, members stop reporting issues, or worse, stop attending altogether.

Bias also reinforces hidden hierarchies. A party might claim to be egalitarian, but if certain voices carry more weight simply because of friendship ties, the space becomes performatively inclusive rather than genuinely so.

For newcomers, this dynamic can be especially disheartening. Walking into a room where everyone seems to know each other already can feel intimidating enough. Add the perception that “outsiders” are treated differently, and the barrier to entry becomes insurmountable.

How to Keep Leadership Fair

Ethical leadership in play spaces requires an active awareness of bias. Some practical approaches include:

• Transparency in decision-making: Explain why certain rules exist or why specific decisions are made, rather than leaving them to assumption.
• Rotation of roles: Avoid the same small circle holding authority positions indefinitely. Bringing in new voices helps counteract cliques.
• Clear conflict-of-interest practices: If you’re close friends with someone involved in a dispute, recuse yourself. Hand it to another leader.
• Community feedback loops: Create channels for anonymous feedback so members can express concerns without fear of retaliation.

Friendship doesn’t have to compromise fairness — but it does require vigilance.

Friendship as Support, Not Shield

The most ethical way to integrate friendship into play spaces is to treat it as a source of accountability rather than immunity. Friends can check your blind spots, call you in when you’re slipping, and remind you of your responsibility to the broader community.

If friendship becomes a shield — protecting someone from the consequences of their behavior — it stops being friendship and starts being complicity. Real care is not about making exceptions. It’s about encouraging growth and accountability, even when it’s uncomfortable.

A Final Reflection

Favoritism is a quiet danger in our spaces because it wears the mask of loyalty. But loyalty to a friend should never eclipse fairness to the community. When leaders and guardians can balance connection with consistency, they model what ethical power looks like: warm, human, but never biased.

The health of a play space depends not on whether cliques exist — they always will — but on whether those cliques are allowed to rule the room.

Friendship should build our communities up, not close them off.