Why Silence Can Be More Harmful Than Words

We’ve all been there—something feels off, but instead of addressing it directly, someone decides to stay silent, or worse, they talk about it to others but never to the person involved. This pattern is common in all types of relationships, from friendships to polyamorous dynamics, and it can be incredibly toxic.

When someone chooses not to communicate an issue but tells a third party instead, it creates a ripple effect of confusion, resentment, and unnecessary conflict. The person at the center of it—who allegedly did something wrong—is left in the dark, unable to respond, clarify, or even apologize if needed. Silence doesn’t just delay resolution; it prevents it.

Why Do People Avoid Confrontation?

People avoid direct communication for many reasons:

• Fear of Conflict: They don’t want to deal with potential discomfort or fallout.
• Uncertainty: They might not be sure how they feel or whether their concerns are valid.
• Seeking Validation: They want to check with others to see if their feelings are justified before addressing them.
• Power Dynamics: Silence can sometimes be used as a form of control, keeping the other person guessing.
• Avoiding Accountability: It’s easier to vent about an issue to others than to take responsibility for expressing feelings and working toward a solution.

The problem? Avoiding confrontation rarely makes an issue disappear. Instead, it festers, creating resentment on all sides.

The Polyamory Factor: Issues By Proxy

In non-monogamous spaces, avoiding direct communication is even more damaging. Polyamory relies on trust, transparency, and open dialogue. Yet, one of the most frustrating things about polyamorous dating is proxy issues—when someone doesn’t have a problem with you personally, but their partner, metamour, or friend does, and suddenly, you’re affected by a conflict you weren’t even aware of.

This creates unnecessary distance and can make people feel ostracized from communities they once considered safe. Instead of approaching the person directly, grievances get passed along like a game of telephone, often distorting the original issue in the process.

The Christian Bale Rule: If You Don’t Know Me, You Can’t Have a Problem With Me

Christian Bale famously said, “If you don’t have my number, you don’t know me well enough to have a problem with me.” A valid take, but let’s tweak it: If you don’t know me well enough to talk to me about the issue you have with me, you don’t know me well enough to have an issue with me.

It’s easy to form opinions based on hearsay, but mature relationships—romantic, platonic, or community-based—require direct communication. If something bothers you, say it. If you’re upset with someone, give them the courtesy of hearing their perspective.

Silence, Avoidance, and the Damage of Unspoken Conflict: What Does Silence Achieve?

Before choosing not to communicate, ask yourself:

• What outcome am I hoping for by not saying anything?
• Am I protecting myself, or am I just avoiding discomfort?
• How would I feel if the roles were reversed?
• Am I open to a resolution, or do I just want to be angry?

And if you’re on the receiving end of silence, consider:

• What assumptions am I making about the situation?
• Have I made it clear that I’m open to a direct conversation?
• Is this person’s silence a reflection of their communication skills, rather than my worth?
• Should I address this head-on, or give them space to come to me?

Healthy Communication Instead of Avoidance

Instead of shutting down, here’s what to do when conflict arises:

• Address It Directly: If you have an issue, bring it up. You don’t need all the answers before starting a conversation.
• Assume Good Intentions: People aren’t mind readers. A misunderstanding doesn’t always mean malice.
• Use ‘I’ Statements: Instead of, “You did this wrong,” try “I felt hurt when this happened.”
• Be Open to Feedback: If you’re confronted with an issue, listen before reacting defensively.
• Don’t Involve Third Parties Unnecessarily: Unless someone’s safety is at risk, keep issues between those directly involved.

Final Thoughts: Silence Isn’t Neutral

Silence can feel like the easy way out, but it often does more harm than good. By refusing to engage, people create distance, resentment, and misunderstandings that didn’t need to exist. Instead, prioritizing open, direct, and compassionate communication allows relationships and communities to grow stronger rather than fracture under the weight of unspoken words.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of silent resentment, you know how frustrating and damaging it can be. And if you’ve ever been the one staying silent, maybe it’s time to ask yourself—what’s stopping you from just saying something?