Introduction: The Reality of Imbalance in ENM

No relationship is perfectly equal all the time. Whether monogamous or non-monogamous, partners often experience different emotional needs, life circumstances, and relationship dynamics that can create moments of imbalance.

In ethical non-monogamy (ENM), these imbalances can feel even more pronounced. One partner may be struggling while the other is thriving. One might be feeling left behind, while the other feels pulled in multiple directions. What happens when one person wants to date, but the other doesn’t? What if one person has more time, more opportunities, or more emotional bandwidth than the other?

These imbalances—whether actual or perceived—can create tension, frustration, and resentment if not openly acknowledged and discussed. So how do you navigate inequality in a way that keeps the relationship healthy, respectful, and fulfilling for everyone involved?

Why Relationship Inequality Happens in ENM

While non-monogamy offers freedom and flexibility, it doesn’t automatically eliminate power imbalances, emotional complexities, or external pressures that can lead to a sense of inequality.

One Partner Has More Opportunities Than the Other

Non-monogamous dating isn’t always equal. Some people attract partners easily, while others struggle to find connections. This can create a feeling of imbalance, even if no one is doing anything wrong.

Potential Imbalance:

• One partner is consistently going on dates, while the other isn’t having much luck.
• The less-active partner starts feeling left behind, unchosen, or insecure.
• The partner who is dating more feels guilty or pressured to slow down.

One Partner is Too Busy to Date

Sometimes, life gets in the way. Work, family responsibilities, mental health, or personal commitments may prevent one person from engaging in ENM the way they want to.

Potential Imbalance:

• One partner has plenty of time for dating, while the other barely has time to see their primary partner.
• The less-busy partner might feel like they have more freedom but also more loneliness.
• The busier partner might feel resentful or left out, even if they are the one choosing to focus on work or family.

One Partner is Happy Without Additional Partners

Some people in ENM don’t actually want or need multiple partners—they’re happy in their primary relationship and don’t feel the urge to date outside of it.

Potential Imbalance:

• The non-dating partner doesn’t feel restricted but still notices the time and attention their partner is giving to others.
• The dating partner might feel guilt for being the only one actively exploring outside relationships.
• The non-dating partner might start to wonder: “Am I being left behind?” even if they aren’t actively looking for other relationships.

One Partner Develops a Deep Emotional Connection Elsewhere

New Relationship Energy (NRE) can be intoxicating. If one partner falls in love with someone new, the dynamic between the primary partners can shift dramatically.

Potential Imbalance:

• The person in NRE spends more emotional energy on their new partner, even if unintentionally.
• Their primary partner feels neglected, unseen, or de-prioritized.
• The NRE partner might not realize they’re creating an emotional gap in their original relationship.

One Partner Needs Emotional Support While the Other is Thriving

Sometimes, one partner is struggling—whether due to personal issues, mental health, or relationship stress—while the other is thriving.

Potential Imbalance:

• The struggling partner feels unsupported or lonely, even though their partner is still present.
• The thriving partner feels drained from trying to balance their own happiness with their partner’s struggles.
• Resentment builds as both partners feel like they aren’t getting what they need.

Perceived vs. Actual Inequality in Relationships

Not all inequality is real—sometimes, it’s about perception. A partner may feel like things are unfair, but when they step back, they might realize it’s just a matter of different needs, preferences, or desires.

• Example: If one partner is happy being monogamous within an ENM relationship, but the other is dating multiple people, it might feel unequal—but if both are getting what they want, is it really?
• Example: If one person is naturally more social and dates more often, but the other prefers deep, infrequent connections, is that an imbalance, or just different styles of connection?

The key is to identify whether the imbalance is a real issue or simply a matter of different approaches to ENM.

How to Navigate Relationship Inequality

Talk About the Reality of the Situation

Instead of assuming something is unfair, ask:

• “What do I actually want?”
• “Do I feel like my needs aren’t being met, or am I just comparing our situations?”
• “Is my partner actually neglecting me, or do I just feel uncomfortable with the dynamic?”

Define What “Fairness” Looks Like

Fair doesn’t always mean equal. In ENM, fairness often means:

• Both partners have the freedom to pursue what they want (even if they want different things).
• Time, attention, and energy are distributed in a way that feels fulfilling to both people.
• There’s no coercion, guilt, or pressure to make things more “even” artificially.

Create Clear Agreements (That Can Evolve Over Time)

Relationships are dynamic. What feels right today may need to be adjusted in six months. Have open conversations about:

• How often you check in and reassess the dynamic.
• What boundaries feel healthy without being restrictive.
• How to support each other through changes.

Final Thoughts: Balance is a Moving Target

No relationship is perfectly balanced all the time—and that’s okay. What matters most is mutual respect, open communication, and the ability to adapt.

Love isn’t about keeping score. It’s about making sure both people feel valued, supported, and free to grow.